I made a resolution last year to completely change my life. I had it all planned out. On paper.
Little did I know what that commitment would require. Right from January 1st, my plan was veering way off course. It was a year of breakdowns. It was full of failure, tears, defeat, rock bottom and many sleepless nights. There were so many times where I felt like ashes. I felt I was broken into a million pieces. I made a million mistakes. I was finally opening up my heart about depression, addiction, and recovery. I felt really stupid every single time I did it.
Then, a few weeks ago, at a moment where I was feeling very sorry for myself, I received a random message.
It said, very simply,
“Noah looked like an idiot until it rained. Keep building.”
It took a while for me to realize that this year was a year of brokenness, but it was also a year of bravery. It was 365 days of falling down and getting up and trying again,
And again.
I was strong, and fragile. Sometimes I laughed at my mistakes and sometimes I cried. I was full of love, but also fear. Sometimes I took a step forward, and then took three steps back. I felt infinitely worthless some days, and infinite and worthy other days.
Throughout the turmoil, I dared to believe the little whispers that reminded me;
You are not small.
You are not unworthy.
You are not insignificant.
Every time I chose to believe that, my faith got a little stronger. I held my head a little higher.
I realized that I was unbecoming everything I wasn’t meant to be for a reason. I was breaking apart so that I could build a new foundation, and write a new story. I was building my ark. One board and one nail at a time.
Looking back, my life has completely changed, that’s for sure. And absolutely nothing went as planned.
So this year, my only plan is to be present, wherever I am. I’ll be a little kinder, even when I’m tired. I’ll be a little more understanding, even when I’m angry. I’ll be a little braver when I feel scared. And I’ll keep building my ark one moment at a time. Because before I know it, these 365 new chances will be history, and plan or no plan; my life will probably be completely different once again.
So this is for you. The one who says this past year was rough. The one who feels like storm clouds are always overhead. The one who feels like you’ve lost hope.
You are not small.
You are not unworthy.
You are not insignificant.
You are mighty and you are courageous. You are worthy. And you have a gift and a purpose beyond your wildest dreams.
Keep building.
Written January 2018